ON WISCONSIN!

In February 2015, Paula gave is me a Valentine’s Day card. Inside, she wrote the following: There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you throughout my day. Saying I love you seems so natural, but it is so true and filled with meaning every time I say it. I fall more and more in love with you every breath I take. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, but it was that love that I felt for you that always brought me back. When I think I know you, you always show me another side of yourself. Being with you brings out the good in me. I have calmed down so much, and I can say I am happy. Looking back on the past 3.5 years I can’t remember the bad times because our relationship is so filled with good times. Wherever I go I am usually talking about you and how you are the best. The girls at work complain about their husbands and I always tell them I can’t relate because I have the best boyfriend EVER! I love you so much and there aren’t enough words to explain how much I truly love you. -Paula

During the next two months, Paula made it clear on a near daily basis that she wanted an engagement ring. She often showed me pictures of rings she found on the internet. In April, she went to Wisconsin for three weeks of National Guard training. While away, she referred to me as her husband to be and often told me she loved and missed me in her text messages. I had purchased a ring and I planned to propose after she returned home. 

Paula returned home the first Friday in May. That morning, Parker and I went to Belle Plaine to watch his sisters compete in Olympic Day. Paula had text to check-in and indicated that she had a long day ahead. She told me the night before that she had completed her training.. Therefore, I thought she only had to drive back home. I did not hear from her again until around 8:00pm. No communication for nearly 12 hours from Paula is rather odd especially when you think she would be excited about coming home and seeing everyone again. I had sent her a picture of Parker on the football field where the Olympic Day events were held and got no response.  During my work lunch, I texted to ask if she had made it home. She told me she was almost home. I texted her again during my 9:30pm break to confirm that she had made it home. She curiously wondered why I was asking. I simply wanted to know that she had made it home safely. I arrived home around midnight. Paula was asleep in bed. I went upstairs to give her a welcome home hug and kiss. She barely acknowledged my presence and I let her sleep. 

On Saturday, Paula’s Aunt Theresa hosted a family gathering that doubled as a belated birthday party for Trinity and Parker. Paula and her mother Tami were busy preparing for the party when I woke. Paula appeared exhausted. She was already drinking and oddly motivated to get me try her drink even though I do not drink alcohol. I attempted to flirt with her and she played along briefly. At the party, a drunk Paula came up to Parker and I once and gave him a hug and a kiss. I was being ignored. I doubt our interactions that day added up to two minutes even though we had not seen each other for three weeks.

Paula spent much of the party playing a board game with her mother Tami, her brother Brad, and his friend Josh. I noticed Paula constantly looking down at her phone. She held the phone to her side and underneath the table. The party ended around 9:00pm. The kids and I waited in the car for Paula to finish talking to her cousin Jacob. After we returned home, Paula immediately disappeared upstairs for the night. 

To review: She's gone three weeks, she does not communicate for 12 hours on the day she is coming home even though she has access to her phone and the drive is five hours, and she is not waiting up for me when get I home. Instead, she is sleeping so deeply (if not pretending) that she barely acknowledges me when I try to welcome her home. The next day, she ignores me, she is texting whomever despite her entire family being at the same party, and when we finally get home after 9:00pm, she disappears upstairs without saying a word to me.     

I eventually went to bed and woke up around 5:00am to use the restroom. When I returned to the bedroom, I realized Paula was not in bed. I went back downstairs to see if I missed her sleeping there, but she was nowhere to be found. I looked outside and discovered that her car was gone. I found her purse upstairs and it appeared she only took her keys and phone. I was worried. I called her and left a voicemail. I texted to ask about her whereabouts. She would text 15 minutes later to tell me she needed to think and would be back home in an hour. I called Tami to let her know what was going on. I do not recall our conversation, but I do know that Tami never told me that Paula was with her as she would later claim. 

Parker woke up before Paula returned home. I was holding him in the living room when she walked in the door, past us, through the kitchen, and into the bathroom where she started undressing to take a shower. I asked her what was wrong. She said she did not want to talk about it. I asked her what she wanted me to do. She snapped at me and told me to do whatever I wanted and closed the shower curtain. Why the hostility? I returned Parker to his crib and I fell asleep on his bedroom floor.

Paula woke me up later that morning to ask if I wanted to do anything for Mother’s Day. I did not. I was worried and my mood was shot. I spent most of the day playing on the computer waiting for Paula to talk to me. She sat on the couch much of the time. Occasionally, I noticed her glaring at me. She eventually asked me how I felt about her doing military duty full-time. I hated the idea and I do not believe she ever seriously considered doing it. At some point, I was standing in the kitchen doorway when Paula came up to me and gave me a long kiss. For a moment I thought things might not be as bad as it seemed. It did not last. Despite the early time, Paula went upstairs soon after and I did not see her again the rest of the night. It was our last kiss. 

On Monday, Paula texted from work to apologize for being distant since coming home. She claimed to be down about some things before she started complaining about me. She complained that I never want to do anything and that I am not invested in our future together as much as she is. She was gaslighting me. I did what she and the girls wanted to do nearly 100% of the time. As for our relationship, our family meant everything to me. I would have never knowingly done anything to put it at risk. If there were any problems, she had not shared them with me. After all, she had spent the two months before Wisconsin telling me how great I was and that she wanted a ring. What had changed since she left for Wisconsin that explains her sudden hostility towards me?

On Monday night, she texted me while I was at work to let me know that a guy from National Guard had business at Frontier on Tuesday and he had asked her if she would have lunch with him. She said she thought his invitation was a friendly gesture, but she added that if he tried anything, she would give him hell. Her story raised red flags for multiple reasons. I asked her what business he had at Frontier. She told me that he worked for an agency that supplied temporary workers to Frontier.  I was suspicious. Paula had never socialized with anyone from the Natural Guard outside of their duty time. Yet, she is having lunch with a man that just happens to have an excuse to be at Frontier only days after she returned home and she is letting me know she is worried he will make a pass at her in her workplace at the same time her attitude towards me has dramatically changed for the worst? Why not decline his invitation to have lunch if this is a legitimate concern? Also, does he intend to make a pass knowing Paula is in a relationship or does he somehow not know this?  This seemed like the worst cover story ever just in case she said nothing and someone else told me about them being together. It seemed way too important to her that I understood she was not going to tolerate some guy hitting on her. Why? Because she was committed to our relationship even though she had only ignored or criticized me in three days since returning home?  

On Tuesday night, Paula texted and told me she was not feeling well. The next day, I asked the girls how their mother was feeling. Kylee said she was fine, but added, “we know.” Know what? She said she knew that we were breaking up. What had Paula told the girls that she had not told me? I was at work when Paula texted to tell me she needed to talk with me. She said she had planned to talk to me that weekend, but she learned the girls had said something to me and she decided not to wait.  She did not tell me how soon she wanted to talk and I did not respond. I was upset and I found it difficult to concentrate on my job. I left work early and went to my mom’s place. I drove home to Belle Plaine later that night and I went to sleep on the floor in Parker’s bedroom. Paula woke me up at some point to complain about her life and me. I remember her calling me selfish because I did all of the laundry for Parker and I on two occasions that happened months earlier. I always did laundry for Parker and I and she did laundry for herself and the girls and if she needed me to do any laundry for her and the girls, she put it in a basket and let me know. What makes this criticism even more absurd is that I had done nearly all the laundry in the house while she was away in Wisconsin. When she finished, she went back upstairs to bed. In the morning, I discovered that she had texted to criticize me for going to my mom’s the previous night after she had told me she needed to talk. This was more evidence of my selfishness even though I was home at the same time I would have been if I had not left work early. She had originally planned to talk to me three days later, but I am selfish for going to my mother's because I was upset?

On Friday, I attempted to communicate with Paula about whatever was wrong. I asked her if she could have everything she wanted, what would that be. She snidely responded that she did not want everything even though that is not what I asked. She eventually told me that she wanted security for herself, her kids, and her home. I have no idea how those concerns explain or justify her behavior towards me, but I suggested we talk on Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning and discovered Paula and the girls packing for an impromptu camping trip. She was deliberately avoiding me as much possible. If she had legitimate reasons for being upset with me, why not tell me? That said, I was told that they would return on Sunday morning. They would return around 5:00pm later that night. Again, Paula would disappear upstairs for the night.

On Sunday, Paula was busy with schoolwork and texting whomever. I was stressed and I took Parker to a nearby park to get away from the house. When I returned, Paula and the girls were leaving to take Kylee to urgent care for a minor issue. After they left, I decided to go to my mom’s place. It was not until around 9:00pm that Paula texted to ask if I was coming home. I asked her if she wanted me to come home. She told me to do whatever I wanted. She complained about how I help my mom even though I meet my financial obligations to her. She also complained that I never offered to have anything fixed around her house. This is a lie as I had made several offers to fix multiple issues. She turned those offers down telling me not to waste my money on her house. When I told her this, she argued that I only offered to fix “stupid” things around her house and she criticized me for not replacing her screen doors after her aunt mentioned them. Why is it my responsibility to fix a home I do not own? It is not as if Paula ever took great care of her home. She also suggested that I should offer to pay off her student loans and she seemed surprised that I had my own bills beyond what I paid to her. I was still paying off medical bills after severing a tendon in my thumb two days before Parker was born the previous year..     

Although I had returned to Belle Plaine after work on Monday night, we did not talk again until early Wednesday morning. She spent several minutes running me down and complaining about her life and how she had not met any goals she had set for herself. This is my fault? During this discussion, she had the nerve to criticize me for not asking her what was wrong and simply hoping the problem would go away. I agreed to leave the home for a “break” even though I suspected that our relationship was over and getting me out of the house was part of her plan to make that happen. She had no intention of saving our relationship given that she was lying about the problems she was suddenly complaining about for the first time. I think the relationship was over for me too even though I had not admitted it to myself. She was treating me as if everything about me was suddenly repulsive. I do not know how I might have ever forgiven or trusted her again. 

On Saturday, three days after leaving Belle Plaine, I returned the engagement ring. Paula texted to ask if I could keep Parker. Our discussion turned to us and she seemed to be hinting that our relationship was over while also complimenting me. It was odd given that she had only ran me down since returning home. The next day, I took Parker over to Brad’s place to drop him off as he would be traveling to Belle Plaine later that day. We discussed Paula. He said she told him that she had been dropping hints about problems with our relationship that I had ignored. If she gave Brad any examples, he did not share them with me. Instead, he told me that he had criticized her for not being direct and expecting me to read her mind. Her story is a lie. She was not dropping hints about problems she had with our relationship. She was telling me how great I was and that she wanted a ring from me. I would not have purchased a ring if I had any doubts about her answer.  

Later, Paula called to say she owes it to me to tell me she met a guy in Wisconsin. She claims they are just friends, but he has her excited about advancing her military career. She hides and lies about a "platonic" relationship with another man and only owns up to it after she has pushed me out of the house? Of course, I assume that this is the same guy that she was "worried" would make a pass at her during their lunch together. During our conversation, she complained about how we have nothing in common. As an example, she said that I would not want to go motorcycle riding. Paula had never asked me to go motorcycle riding and had never expressed any interest in motorcycles during the entire time I have known her. Furthermore, I don't know how to ride a motorcycle and I don't believe she does either. That said, neither of us had many interests to be suddenly bothered by a lack of common interests. Plus, it took her two weeks after returning home before she complained about a lack of common interests.  

At this point, my list of alleged faults includes a lack of interest in doing anything, not doing her laundry, not buying screen doors, not paying off her student loans, and a lack of common interests. Even if these complaints were fair or true, how do you go from wanting a ring when you left for Wisconsin to doing everything possible to burn the relationship to the ground as soon as you return home? There was no effort from her to save the relationship she claimed to care more about than me nor did she provide me with an opportunity to do better. She was suddenly done with me but had no credible explanation for why things had taken such a drastic turn beyond a handful of dishonest and petty complaints. She does not accuse me of mistreating her in anyway. Nothing. The only thing that had changed from the time she left until she returned home is that she met a guy in Wisconsin. Apparently, it became necessary to find fault with me to explain a new guy. 

A week or so later, Paula texted to ask if we could meet somewhere so she could get Parker. I told her that I had to go to Frontier and we agreed to meet there. I arrived first and was waiting as she drove into the parking lot. I could see that someone was in the passenger seat. I walked to the side of the car. After Paula exited, I could see a man seated inside the car. It was her “platonic” friend. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, but I kept my cool. After returning home, I texted Brad and Tami and told them what Paula had done. Brad agreed that Paula was wrong. He also told me that he had heard from Tami earlier that day and she told him that Paula brought her friend over to her mother’s place to introduce him. Brad also told me that Tami was upset with Paula and let her know it. Paula would text me to complain about text messages that my mom had sent her criticizing her for her behavior. I asked her how she could rub her relationship with another man in my face and she played dumb. I learned from another source that her friend’s name is Shannon, and he was, at the time, a 23-year-old married man whose wife was pregnant with their second child.  

On Wednesday, Paula sent me ominous texts where she apologized for everything and told me things would be better soon. I was concerned and I let Brad and Tami know about her texts. I called work to see if she was there, but HR told me that they were not allowed to give out that information. Brad, Tami, her cousin Jessica, and I tried to contact her for several hours, but she did not respond. I drove to the armory to look for her car, but I did not find it. I called the Cedar Rapids Police who suggested I call Belle Plaine and ask for a wellness check. The police there called back to tell me she was not at home. I told them what was going on and gave them Tami’s number. I believe Tami told me that Paula responded to Jessica around 5:00pm. Around 8:00pm, Paula texted me to ask why I had called the police. I told her I was concerned and I wanted to be sure she was okay. She sarcastically thanked me and told me the police were taking her into custody. She was under psych hold from Wednesday night until Saturday morning. Despite everything she had done to me since returning home, I tried to make sure she was okay, and it counted for nothing.

On Saturday morning, Paula texted to tell me she had been released from the hospital and that she and her mother were headed over to pick up Parker. I asked her what was going on with her and she told me that there was nothing wrong with her “physically” and she blamed me for calling the police as if I had anything to do with their decision. I do not know where she was found or the circumstances under which she was found that led the police to take her into custody. I was not prepared to hand over Parker on such short notice and I told Paula and Tami I was not handing him over that day. I believe this is the day that Tami turned against me after she had been supportive of me and critical of Paula during our conversations over the previous month. Tami argued with me outside the car. I mentioned Paula sneaking out of the house on Mother’s Day. Paula claimed everyone knew where she had gone and Tami claimed that Paula had come to her home that morning. Tami then criticized me for needing to know where Paula was 24/7 which seemed incredibly defensive since I had never questioned her whereabouts except for this one instance. It seems quite reasonable to me that most people would wonder where their partner had gone after sneaking out of the house at such early hours. If she did go to Tami’s, why didn't Tami tell me she was there when I called her that morning? After all, I already knew Paula snuck out of the house. What harm does it do to tell me Paula is at her mother's?  Also, why sneak of the house some time before 5:00am and drive all the way to Holiday Lake to talk to her mother on Mother’s Day? She could have found an excuse to be alone with her mother at any time that day if she needed to talk. And why did it take her 15 minutes to respond to my voicemail and text message that morning? I do not believe she went to Tami’s place that morning. I believe Tami was covering for Paula. Besides, how ridiculous is it to believe her behavior is due to something I did wrong? Am I supposed to believe she snuck out of the house some time before 5:00am and drove all the way to her mother's home to complain about laundry, screen doors, and a lack of common interests? Did she show up on Tami's doorstep unannounced or did she let Tami know she was coming and Tami thought it was a good idea for her daughter to sneak out of the house before 5:00am and drive to Holiday Lake? If Paula had actually gone to her mother's to talk about me and shared anything bad, why had Tami been supportive of me and critical of her daughter the past month? None of it makes any sense.

Tami returned to the car. Paula called the police but got nowhere with them. I stood in the street as they yelled at me from inside the car. Tami told me she was going to call a lawyer and they left. Paula texted me soon after to threaten kidnapping charges. Since Paula and Chris had not finalized their divorce before Parker was born, the law, as absurd as it is, required Chris to waive his rights to Parker which he had already done. Even so, my name could not be added to the birth certificate until we had signed a legal document identifying me as his father. We did this at a local bank after he was born, but for reasons I do not remember, we had to do it over again and it had not got done. Paula was using this to suggest I had kidnapped my own son since I was not listed as his father on the birth certificate. This is absurd behavior.

Later that night, we agreed to meet in Cedar Rapids the following day. When we first communicated the next day, Paula indicated that she was at Holiday Lake and asked to meet in Belle Plaine. I rejected her idea and she eventually came to Cedar Rapids. We left Parker with Tami and Brad at his place and went to a park to talk. Paula asserted authority over decisions regarding Parker moving forward and told me that we would not get back together if I took legal action. Her threat was both arrogant and offensive. She also told me that she was no longer communicating with Shannon because his wife did not like it (I wonder why) and she promised to communicate with me more often. This weekend was also the first time Paula told me that Shannon was married. Despite the fact that Paula wanted me to know their relationship was platonic, she curiously neglected to share that information until this time. Also, why was she worried that her married friend would make a pass at her when they had lunch together at Frontier? I suppose it is possible Paula had lunch with a different guy that she feared would make a pass at her while simultaneously hiding a platonic relationship with a married man, but I seriously doubt it. That said, I did not feel better about anything following our discussion. The next day, Paula was already backtracking on things she had agreed upon and I told her I wanted to talk to her that weekend. I wanted to put everything on the table. I was going to ask her all the questions I had avoided asking. As the week progressed, I decided I did not want to hear her answers. I was done. It had taken less than a month for her to destroy any good that had ever existed between us and she did it on purpose. I decided to walk away and I went to Belle Plaine that Saturday to tell her as much. I believe it was always her goal to get me to pull the plug on our relationship. 

The kids remained inside as we talked outside in her car. She told me she had turned off her humanity. This was apparently meant to explain her behavior. I thought I was the problem? This explanation contradicts her weak attempts to find fault with me since returning home. She also criticized me for telling coworkers that Shannon was her boyfriend. I did no such thing. People had seen them together, reached their own conclusions, and informed me when I was on leave from work. Paula said she needed to be single, independent, and focus on the kids while leaving open the possibility of reconciliation. This might be the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said given what has transpired since. 

Paula and I worked different shifts at Frontier, but I was forced to see her every day while waiting at the time clock. The same person that had turned off her humanity seemed to have discovered the on switch. She was suddenly bouncing around, smiling, and joking with coworkers. She had also changed her hair and was wearing new clothes. Coworkers told me that Paula was bragging about plans to go on a motorcycle ride with an unidentified person. The same person that wanted nothing to do with me since returning home from Wisconsin was now finding plenty of excuses to approach me at the time clock to share work related information that I did not need to know. We often did the same job, but we never had to communicate about it. It was completely unnecessary. I wanted her to leave me alone, but I believe she wanted to put on a show for our coworkers to make it appear that she was being civil.

In late June, Paula approached me at work to ask if she could have Parker that Thursday night before her weekend at National Guard. I agreed to trade that Thursday night for Friday night, July 3rd, the following week. Paula was going to keep Parker overnight and drop him off the next morning. My mom texted me around 6:00pm on Thursday night to tell me that Paula had unexpectedly dropped Parker off. At the same time my mom had texted, Paula texted to ask if I was going to attend the company picnic in August six weeks away. I immediately asked her why she needed to know, but she never replied. When I asked her again at a later date, she said she wanted to know where I would be when she returned home from Louisiana so that she could see Parker. Really? She drops him off after only two hours when she was supposed to keep him overnight and she wants to know at that same moment what my exact location will be in six weeks when she returns home from Louisiana so that she can see Parker?

On Thursday night, July 2nd, Paula texted to ask about my plans with Parker the following day. I told her that I was taking him to Bever Park. The next day, Parker and I were at the park when Paula texted to ask if we could meet later so that she could get him. I reminded her that it was my day, that she had traded it to me for the previous Thursday, and I told her I would hand him over the following morning. I also asked her about girls’ night out with her cousin Jessica.  She said those plans fell through because Jessica and/or her kids were ill. Yet, Jessica posted pictures of her family celebrating July 4th the next day. Paula seemed to think she should get her Friday back since her plans changed even though she already got her end of the trade. She complained about how inflexible I am with the schedule regarding Parker. She threatened to pursue full custody if I did not agree to her demands. She also threatened to keep him for five straight weeks after she returned from Louisiana. I was angry and tired of her abuse. When she called the next morning to arrange a meeting, I told her I was keeping Parker. It was a mistake, but I was worried that she might do the same thing to me. Tami, Doug, and Brad inserted themselves into our dispute. I only remember Tami lashing out to tell me that Paula is a woman, mother, and soldier and I would refuse to accept it. I have no idea what that means. Paula got Parker back on Monday and I gave her two additional days to make up for taking her weekend. On Friday night, I received a text message from Paula that read, “I love you.” I did not respond. I trusted nothing. Prior to leaving for Louisiana, Paula texted to say that she was sorry about how things were between us. Again, I did not respond. 

I had hired a lawyer shortly after leaving her house for a “break” just in case I decided I would need one. From the moment I had left, Paula tried to dictate terms regarding Parker and she threatened me when I would not play by her rules. The day I left Belle Plaine, she asked if I was going to pay her child support. We are on a “break” and she is asking me for child support? She had recently settled her divorce from Chris after procrastinating for three years. They agreed to equal time and no child support although their mediator stipulated that Chris pay $50 to Paula which she told me she would return to him. I eventually decided to sue for custody. I did not trust Paula and I wanted to be protected against anything she might do if there were no legal agreement preventing it. I was not after child support and I was not trying to keep Parker from her. I wanted equal everything plus I wanted to be sure that she could not move away with him. She said on multiple occasions that she wanted to do military full-time and that would likely require her to move to Des Moines or Newton.

We had our court hearing where we turned over affidavits. The judge submitted his ruling the following Monday or Tuesday. I heard about it first from Paula who had called to gloat. She told me the judge gave her all weeknights, every other three-day weekend, plus nearly $400 per month child support. She was wrong about weeknights as I still had Tuesday nights. Although Paula and I had operated under an equal overnights schedule, the judge took away my Thursday nights without explanation while saying it appears that Paula had had more overnights. A judge decides something this important based on “it appears” and gets it wrong. Since leaving Belle Plaine, I had had Parker for nearly 30 more overnights. While I cannot be certain of the judge's motives, I have read where many states are biased in favor of mothers and the federal government offers a financial incentive to states that award child support. The default position should be 50-50 everything unless either party can demonstrate why that would not be in the child's best interests. Paula never had to make a case in her favor or prove anything negative about me. The judge simply made me her hostage moving forward without explanation or justification. 

The day after Paula told me about the ruling, she tried calling me several times. I did not answer. I knew she wanted to discuss a trade and I was not interested. She pretended she was all about communicating, but she threatened to not let me pick Parker up from daycare if I was going to be difficult. She could not do that. The ruling still gave me days with Parker. On Thursday, she texted to say her bowling team would need to replace her unless I agreed to take Parker. I agreed and she immediately asked if she could have him that Saturday. I said no and she dropped off Parker anyway.  

Halloween was on Saturday the following weekend. Under the temporary order, I could have Parker from 5:00pm to 9:00pm and I mentioned this to Paula the prior week. She apparently believed I could have him the whole weekend and when she discovered her mistake, she asked if I would trade weekends. She had been dating a man named Chase and they made plans to go to a wedding for one of his relatives. She also had plans to get tattoo work done on Sunday. I said no, and again, she threatened to keep me from picking Parker up from daycare. She wins the temporary ruling, gives up her first Thursday for bowling, then makes plans her first weekend with him mistakenly believing I get him for two straight weekends without confirming it for herself, and she thinks I'm going to do her any favors? She could have cancelled her plans and kept her time with Parker. She chose herself. 

In February 2016, Paula asked me if she could have Parker to take to Walker’s second birthday party. I would not commit to it. After all, she had not offered me 50/50 everything since she was favored in the temporary ruling. Helen, Brad, and Theresa contacted me about allowing Parker to go to the party. Helen questioned my character before backtracking when I shared part of my story. Brad derisively called me a “class act” in a text presumably because I had not agreed to Paula's request. Theresa invited me to the party, but I had no interest in attending. Ultimately, I allowed Paula to take Parker to the party, but I would eventually learn that playing nice would count for nothing.

In April, I let Paula take Parker to Jackson’s birthday party. Afterwards, we met near Norway so that I could get him back. As she drove away, Paula shouted, “nice shirt.” Is she flirting? On another occasion, Paula texted to ask if I still had a picture of the ring that I bought for her. I do not know why she asked and I did not respond. Near month’s end, I took Parker to The Play Station for his second birthday. The following day, Paula texted to ask if there were an admission fee for The Play Station. I told her yes. She texted back later to tell me she was taking Parker and the girls there and I was invited. I did not respond. 

In early May, I tried to do something positive. I gave the girls a birthday card and a gift card. I had missed Kylee's birthday in November. Paula texted me later to tell me that girls wanted me to come to Olympic Day and I agreed to go. Paula also said she wanted to talk about Parker during my break. I do not remember what was discussed about Parker. However, Paula curiously invited me to stay the night before Olympic Day rather than drive up in the morning. I told her I would think about it. A year had passed since this all began, absolutely nothing positive had happened between us, and over the past month, Paula had complimented my shirt, asked about the engagement ring, invited me out with her and the kids, and invited me to spend the night. What happened to Chase?

The following Thursday, which would have been sleepover night had I accepted her offer, Paula texted to tell me she was taking Kylee to the doctor for a thyroid issue and asked if I could keep Parker for the night. Of course, I was happy to have him, but I found it odd that he could not go with them especially since Kylee’s medical issue did not prevent her from participating in Olympic Day. Parker and I went to Olympic Day the next morning. It was awkward. There was minimal interaction between Paula and I. I kept close to Parker and watched the girls compete. I enjoyed that part, but I knew there would be nothing more moving forward.

My lawyer had sent multiple letters to Paula’s attorney requesting mediation, but she had received no response. I told Paula and she said she wanted to avoid paying for mediation and suggested we meet to discuss a settlement provided I could be civil. If I could be civil? I had Memorial Day weekend that year. I foolishly tried to play nice once again. I offered to let Paula have Parker on Saturday. She complained that I only offered one day. I also offered half of Sunday. On Friday, I was headed home from work around midnight. Paula texted to ask when she could pick up Parker the following day. I left it up to her, but somehow the discussion continued back and forth until she ended it by saying that we could decide the next day. On Saturday morning, Paula texted to tell me she was helping her brother move and she would pick up Parker when finished. She did not pick him up until almost 5:00pm. She complains I only offered her one day when I didn't have to offer her anything, she cannot decide for herself when she wants to pick him up and she spends most of day helping her brother move anyway. She returned Parker on early Sunday evening. We never did meet to discuss a settlement.

In June, Paula signed up for the company picnic bags tournament and listed her teammate as a man named Todd. I signed up to play with a coworker’s friend, a woman, that I would be meeting for the first time. This was not a date. The picnic was in August. I arrived and my coworker introduced me to my teammate. I saw Paula and Todd arrive, but I avoided them. Later, a friend told me that Paula had asked him about my bags partner. After my team was eliminated, my coworker, teammate, and I sat under the tents. Paula and Todd were playing on boards nearby, but Paula seemed more interested in putting on a show for my sake than paying attention to her game. She was unusually loud and obnoxious, loudly singing to the music being played, and constantly looking in my direction. After her team lost their match, she came over to our tent without Todd. She curiously hugged a friend of mine with whom she did not have that kind of relationship then sat down near me to ask about Parker. I left shortly thereafter. 

We had mediation in November. We were kept in separate rooms. I wanted to avoid wasting more money, so I was resigned to give her primary status and pay child support. I also offered to pay all medical costs not covered by insurance. Under the temporary ruling, I was only responsible for 48%. I wanted equal overnights every two weeks. She offered six. There was no deal.

In December, Paula had Parker for Christmas Eve until 9:00pm. She told me earlier in the week that I could pick him up at 7:00pm from her aunt's home. She later clarified that I could be there at 7:00pm, but I could not leave with Parker until 9:00pm. Did she expect me to hang around her family’s Christmas party for two hours? Also, what happened to Todd? I picked Parker up at 9:00pm.

On January 17th, I had the following text discussion with Paula during my lunch break:

P: Wanna get married lol

C: ?

P: Lol.. I miss being with you. You were a great guy. Too bad I didnt realize what I had. Sure glad I got an amazing handsome little boy that takes after his daddy

C: I don't know what to say to that but we do have a wonderful son

P: I don't expect you to say anything. I love you and still do. My family loves you. You treated me and my kids well and I just hit a rut and it went sour, I hope you know I never cheated on you. I just hit a rut and didn't know how to get out of it 

Here are the discussions we had over three days the following week prior to preliminary meeting that Friday:

 01-24-17 (8:06pm-10:09pm)

P: Im sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me so much

C: I don't hate you.

P: Well im sorry we have to go to court and cant settle things ourselves.

C: We have a chance to settle things Friday. I don't want court either

P: Yeah.

01-25-17 (2:47pm-3:23pm)

P: Hey I know you dont want to hear this but im not willing to back down from primary physical care. I really hope we can settle this outside court and I am willing to work with you outside of court. Chris and I have always worked together with girls so I dont see why we cant

P: Oh and did I tell you I am getting out of the army in October

C: No you didn't tell me that.

P: Yeah my ETS date is in Oct and i plan to get out so i dont have to forfeit my time with Parker.

C: Ok

P: I am also representing myself so I dont have to answer questions and I can just say what I want whereas you can only talk if your lawyer talks to you

C: Ok

01-26-17 (1:02pm-5:56pm)

P: You are still wanting joint custody right? I just want to make sure I am understanding correctly

C: Shared custody I think. Maybe same thing. I confuse the terms.

P: Yes its the same thing. I just cant do that due to it being so much back and forth for Parker and even less time around his sisters and other kids.

C: How so?

P: Because that means he would be going back and forth every other day. Right now he sees you during the day until he goes to school

C: ?

P: Right now I have primary custody and we have joint legal custody. Having shared primary custody would mean Parker would go from house to house every other week or day. Right now he stays at my house and we split weekends and holidats

P: And the courts have already temporarily ordered me primary custody. I told you I am willing to work with you. I have done it with Chris for this long

C: I get that that is what is on paper. Besides I already plan to go to first and offered to move to bp or nearby which I'd have to do anyway if I agreed to your offer

P: I just hate to go through all of this with you if we dont have to. I get that you offered that. That is on you. We have been going through this over a year and you still haven't. It is just way too much moving for Parker and I don't want that for him

P: Also I know me supposedly being mentally unstable is going to come up. Again I dont want to fight about this because I have never been treated for a mental disorder

C: There is nothing on me. Besides the fact that no imminent reason to move to first, I have explained why I have not. Parker has been with me far more. It is unfair to he and I that we should get less time together.

P: He has not been with you more. He is with you for a few hours during the day. I have him all night. Also you wouldn't be getting less, things would just stay the same. Staying on 2nd does not make for a good schedule for Parker, you cant go to any sporting events. What do you mean there is nothing on you

P: Oh also your mom smokes around him. He smells of smoke every time he comes to my house. Where does Parker sleep at your place?

C: I'm not doing this on text because you don't understand me

P: I have tried to communicate in a congenial way and both your mom and you have been short all the time. Based on your reaction to me im sure Parker hears nothing good out of your mouths. I have been in contact more with your mom than you this whole time

C: Now you accuse us of bad mouthing you?

C: I have not been short

P: No I mean very little communication. Your mom HAS sent bad texts though when we first broke up so I dont feel that is a good environment for Parker

C: Your family has turned on me as well

P: Bullshit. My family has said nothing but nice things to you. As a matter of fact both my aunt and grandma invited you to Parkers bday Party

C: I didnt claim you aunt and grandma did b

C: Parkers bday party?

P: Ok so my family has been nothing but nice

P: Yes my aunt and gma invited you

P: Has yow lawyer expressed the likelihood of you getting what you want? Because if we go to court I am asking for full custody which includes Parker going to daycare all day instead of with you

P: Nevermind it was Walkers bday party at the Playstation

C: Again I'm not referring to them but I'm not interested in this discussion. Its pointless. Clearly your view of the past two years is much different than mine and you think I deserve less 50% of everything where Parker is concerned. And you act shocked that I'm not agrreeable to that and now you threatening an even worse situation as leverage but you are all about Parker. Im done

P: Im not threatening anything.

She tells me she loves and misses me the previous week while basically admitting fault for the end of our relationship then follows it up a week later by continuing to deny me 50/50 everything.  That's love? She “apologizes” for whatever she did to make me hate her so much then, two days later, she threatens to pursue full custody if I do not agree to her insulting terms. She also says she is not backing down from primary physical care which I already reluctantly offered her in November. This is not rational behavior.

When I tell her that Parker has been with me more, she makes the false claim that I only have him a few hours during the day while she has him all night. Parker was typically with me from 8:00am until I left him in daycare just before 3:30pm. That is 7.5 hours. If she picks him up at 3:30pm, he will have to stay up until 11:00pm for her to spend as much time with him. She is giving herself way too much credit for his sleeping hours. That said, the point I was actually making is that I had been far more responsible for Parker during that time regardless of what was on paper. When I tell her it is not fair to Parker and I that we should get less time together, she tries to tell me nothing would change, things would remain the same. The same is getting less time. I was not suggesting that she was offering less time than the time I was granted under the temporary order.

She plays the smoking card here as well by claiming my mom smokes around him and that he smells like smoke. My mom smokes but did not smoke around him and he was always dressed in clean clothes when I dropped him off at daycare. I asked daycare if he ever smelled like smoke. They said no. She also plays the bad texts card referring to the one instance when my mother sent her critical texts the same day she picked up Parker from me with Shannon in the car. Paula conveniently forgets what she did to provoke my mom's texts and leaves out how there were no other incidents between my mom and her over the 18 months that had passed since. Besides, Paula had repeatedly asked me if my mom could watch Parker including keeping him overnight 3-4 times per month during those 18 months when she had social plans. If Paula needed a babysitter, my mom was her first option. Yet, she denies me 50-50 because our home is not a good environment based on texts my mom sent her nearly two years earlier. This is insane.

Paula feigns being upset about the possibility of going to court rather than settle things ourselves when all she has to do is agree to 50-50 everything during the previous 18 months. Instead, it is my fault for not settling for less than 50-50 and for my refusal to do so, she threatens to pursue full custody while claiming she is not threatening me. Laughably, she thinks she has tried to communicate in a congenial way. She only plays nice when she wants something from me. Otherwise, she threatens me when she does not get her way. She expects her phony attempts at civility to be rewarded even when she continues to deny me 50-50 everything. Besides, we did not have to communicate about much more than when and where we would hand over Parker. Therefore, it makes no sense to complain about my lack of communication as if there were a long list of issues to discuss. That said, how do you propose to someone, tell them you love and miss them and wish you realize what you had with them, admit fault for ending the relationship then, a week later, threaten to pursue full custody if they do not agree to less than an equal stake in the child you had together? There is no defense for such awfulness. 

Paula also wanted me to know that she never cheated on me. If true, no one could ever do a better job of making themselves look guilty than she had. Even Brad said to me about her behavior, "I think she feels guilty about something that happened in Wisconsin." There just happens to be another guy in the picture at the same time I go from "best ever" to be pushed out the door as fast as possible. Who the hell hides and lies about a platonic relationship with a married man and leaves out the part about him being married for weeks?  And all of it is because this 23-year-old married man with a pregnant wife and child cares about a then 27-year-old woman advancing her military career after knowing her for three weeks and he cannot do that from his own home? He also needs to socialize with her far away from his own family? She needs to hang out with him rather than work on the "problems" she invented out of thin air for our relationship? And if she did not cheat as she claims, what else explains her behavior? What caused her to turn off her humanity? What caused her to fall into a rut from which she was unable to escape? She went from wanting to marry me when she left for Wisconsin to wanting me to get lost three weeks later when she returned home and I am expected to believe that hiding and lying about a relationship with a married man is just a coincidence? That there is an alternative explanation for her behavior that remains unknown to me eight years later? Ridiculous.   

Paula likes to use her relationship with Chris as an example of cooperation. She works with him. Therefore, she can work with me. She denies me 50-50 everything for self-serving phony reasons, but she thinks promising to work with me like she does with Chris means anything to me. Chris always had equal time with the girls and does not pay her child support. I get less time with my son and less money to live my life, but she will work with me? On what? If I have 50/50 everything, I do not need her to work with me on anything. I would already have everything I need. It is all about leverage and control. If I have equal time with Parker, I don't need to trust she will give me more time and she loses her leverage over me. Besides, any possible trades would require her to give me more days than she gets in return. Otherwise, I'm still getting less time with my son.  

Paula also argued that Parker needed more time with his sisters than with me. Apparently, eight overnights every two weeks were required to achieve the needed amount of quality time with his sisters that could not be achieved over seven overnights. And just how much attention would his sisters, both much older, give him on a nightly basis that they should get eight days to achieve it while his dad gets six? This lame excuse also means that any parent that has a child with a person that has children from a previous relationship counts less than their child’s half-siblings. This is absurd. Also, wouldn't the need for Parker to spend more time with his sisters conflict with Paula's promise to work with me by giving me more time with him if I agreed to her terms? 

Paula also denied me equal time because she was "concerned" that too much back and forth between homes would not be good for Parker. She invents a fake problem she caused with a solution that benefits herself. The idea that he would have to go back and forth every day is absurd. Also, what possible harm would it do to Parker if he spent equal nights at both homes compared to any 8-6 schedule? For example, a 2-2-5-5 schedule has as many go-betweens as a 3-1-5-5 or 2-2-6-4 schedule. Therefore, her excuse has no merit. Besides, she has demonstrated that she never cared or gave much thought to her own argument. Since the temporary ruling, every schedule we have operated under included five go-betweens. A 2-2-5-5 schedule includes three go-betweens. During the two years when Paula was denying me equal time, Parker was with my mom or I nearly 70% of the time, day or night. Paula had missed 60 overnights due to Guard duty and she forfeited another 60 overnights for her social life. Basically, she is so concerned about too much back and forth under an equal overnights schedule that she refuses to agree to it at the same time I had that and more for nearly two years because she gave up so much time for her social life. And Parker was fine. Furthermore, Chris and Paula always shared equal time with the girls and they used schedules that were both day to day and week to week. 

To review: Paula denied me 50-50 because my mom smokes even though Paula forfeited 60 days with Parker over 18 months while we were in litigation. Paula denied me 50-50 because my mom sent her critical texts once because of her relationship with Shannon. This was evidence of a toxic environment at our home even though my mom said nothing else to her over the next 18 months and Paula gave up 3-4 nights per month with Parker where my mom watched him. She denied me 50-50 because Parker needed more time around his sisters than his own father even though she had forfeited so much time with Parker for her social life that I had more than 50-50 during this time. And she denied me 50-50 because she was concerned about too much back forth even though an equal overnights schedule had fewer go-betweens than every schedule we have operated under the past seven years. Every excuse she used to deny me 50-50 was a self-serving lie and she has proven it over and over again. She demonstrated no concern about the very issues she used to deny me 50-50 everything. A week earlier, she proposed, told me I was a great guy, and she wished she realized what she had.  A week later, she threatened to pursue full custody if I did not agree to her terms. This is indefensible.  

On Friday, we had a preliminary hearing. We had another chance to negotiate a settlement. Again, I asked for equal overnights. Again, she declined. She wasn't even offering a path to equal overnights. I'm supposed to accept less than equal time with my son on a permanent basis? There was no deal.

In March, Paula texted to tell me that her dad Doug had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He died less than two weeks later. Paula picked up Parker to take him to Doug’s funeral. She had a date with her. I later learned that his name is Ryan and that she started dating him in February, a month after she claimed she loves and misses me and proposed marriage. 

In June, I was at work when Paula texted to accuse my mother and I of parental alienation. Brad messaged me on Facebook to make the same accusations. I denied their accusations and I told Brad that I wanted nothing to do with Paula. I also explained my side of story up to that point and Brad seemed to purposely misunderstand or ignore everything I told him. He thought I was suing Paula a second time. This was still the first time. He thought I was suing to have more time with Parker than Paula. I told him that I had had more time with Parker to date because Paula had given up so much time, but I was suing to guarantee that I had equal time moving forward. He also tried to tell me that I needed to get over the breakup even though I told him she proposed to me earlier that year. I was not bothering her and I do not need to justify my pursuit of 50/50 to anyone. There was nothing to get over. I was minding my own business. In fact, Paula often found excuses to text and ask me questions about trivial matters where she could have found the answer elsewhere. Except for legal proceedings and handoffs, Paula and I had been around each other for longer than five minutes twice in two years, Olympic Day and the company picnic, and we had limited interaction both times.  

Before our trial started, our attorneys met with the judge in his chambers for 90 minutes. Afterwards, my attorney informed me that the judge was not inclined to grant me additional overnights because I worked second shift. This is the first time this judge is involved in our case and he basically decides he does not need to know more than that. I could have easily moved to first shift in a timely manner if required to do so. That said, my attorney informed me that Paula made a settlement offer which granted me equal overnights once I moved to first shift. Until then I would have the same schedule plus any Wednesday night I did not work.  She wastes two years denying me equal overnights then makes a settlement offer similar to the offer I made which she rejected twice. And she does this after the judge indicated that he would not give me more overnights because I was on second shift. I reluctantly accepted the offer and both parties signed off the first week in July.

In September, a fire destroyed Paula’s house and she moved in with Ryan in Cedar Rapids.  Despite the move, Paula never offered to drop Parker off at my home prior to work. I continued to make the 40-mile round trip to Norway every morning to pick up Parker from daycare. On multiple occasions, I was halfway to Norway, past the time Paula was scheduled to begin work, when she would text to tell me she could meet me in Cedar Rapids to handoff Parker. Since Paula lived in Cedar Rapids, there was no need to bring Parker to Frontier in the afternoon when I left for the work. He already had to make one unnecessary round trip. Therefore, I started leaving him with my mother when I went to work as I am allowed to do. 

I left Parker with my mom on a Wednesday. Paula was upset that I did not bring him to Frontier and picked a fight with my mom over it. My mom asked why it was necessary for Parker to go to Frontier. As she has done countless times, Paula tried to play the secondhand smoke card. She suggested that it was best for Parker to limit his time at our home for that reason. If so, why not go for full custody rather than offer me a path to equal overnights if this was a genuine concern? Paula did not even include any stipulations regarding my mom's smoking in her settlement offer. The point, again, is her concerns over smoking only matter in moments when it is convenient for her to play this card. That said, my mom suggested it might not be good for Parker to spend so much time around Paula’s many boyfriends. Soon thereafter, Brad inserted himself into their dispute to scold my mom for her comment.

I had no idea this argument was taking place until I was on my lunch break and I discovered that Brad had messaged me on Facebook. He told me that things would not go well for me if I continued to break the rules of the settlement. He also instructed me to watch what my mom says to his sister. I “thanked” Brad for threatening me over my son and I informed him that I did not break the rules. I can leave Parker with my mom. It is Paula’s responsibility to pick him up from us. I also pointed out Brad’s hypocrisy for turning a blind eye to Paula’s behavior the previous two years while he expects me to babysit my mom over one comment. He twisted my words out of context and criticized me over his strawman argument. He also claimed I was to blame for the relationship ending because I was lazy while Paula did everything including serving in the military and going to school. After he took his shots at me, he blocked me on Facebook so that I could not respond to his false claims.

In October, Paula texted me to ask if I would trade the following Friday for that Thursday. I agreed to it and I told her I had that Wednesday night off which meant that I would have had Parker for five straight days following the trade. She texted back two hours later to call off the trade but texted again to offer me the following Thursday. Again, I agreed to the trade. On Monday, I left Parker with my mom when I went to work. Paula texted me to ask where Parker was and I told her he was with my mom. She tried to argue that my time with Parker ends when I am no longer with him. This is clearly false and nonsensical since my mom watches him on my nights when I work. Again, she is responsible for picking him up from us.

On Tuesday, she texted to tell me she would be working late on Wednesday and she needed me to bring Parker to Frontier for that reason. I did not believe her story, but I complied with her request to avoid her possibly calling off the trade for Thursday. On Thursday, she texted to tell me that Brad would be picking Parker up at 3:30pm on Friday. I asked if I was required to let Brad pick him up. I did not have a problem with Brad picking him up, but I thought this might become a permanent thing moving forward so that she would not have to pick Parker up after work. If that had been her intention, I was not going to allow it without her agreeing to drop Parker off with me in the morning so that we could avoid the unnecessary trip to Norway. Paula immediately threatened legal action. I allowed Brad to pick up Parker after I learned that Paula was already out of town and he was taking him to Belle Plaine for Tami to watch him for the weekend. Oddly enough, Paula did not believe her time with Parker ended when she was no longer with him. On Friday night, Brad texted my mother and I to ask if we could take Parker since things were not going well with Tami. We said yes. Brad was almost to our place when Paula found out and demanded he take Parker back to Belle Plaine. He complied.

The following week my lawyer emailed me to let me know that Paula had falsely accused me of breaking the settlement rules. Paula claimed that I lied about taking a Wednesday night off from work and left Parker with my mother. She provided a picture of my car in the Frontier parking lot without a timestamp as "proof" of my deception. There is no text message where I falsely claimed that I was taking the night off from work. My non-existent plot does not work without one. There is also no text message from her confronting me after she discovered my alleged deception. I had simply left Parker with my mom as I'm allowed to do and it is Paula's responsibility to pick him up from us. Furthermore, I have no incentive to break the rules where I do not actually get to spend more time with Parker. I could also easily run into her once I entered the building. It would be completely pointless for me to pretend to take a Wednesday night off. She would also have had no reason to stop by daycare to get him or text my mom about his whereabouts if I had told her I had the night off. Paula knowingly lied about my actions. She lied to her attorney about my actions and she had him share those lies with attorney. She knew what she was doing.

Paula had also taken pictures of bruises on Parker’s body and had her attorney share those with my attorney. Is she accusing me of child abuse or suggesting I was negligently responsible for his bruises? Either possibility is disgustingly dishonest. Parker had often come back from her home with bruises up and down his arms and legs. Do I believe Paula or anyone else in her home is harming him? No. I believe Parker’s bruises are from being a kid. How much lower does it get than to falsely accuse someone of child abuse? Paula either believed I'm responsible for his bruises and did nothing about it or she knowingly threatened to falsely accuse me of abusing my son. 

I disputed Paula’s false accusations in my response to my lawyer and I offered my own complaints. Among the issues resolved, Paula agreed to hand over Parker before work rather than force he and I to make the unnecessary trip to Norway. However, she only agreed to meet me in Wendy’s parking lot, about three minutes away, rather than drop him off at my home. The plan was to meet at 7:30am, but before long Paula would always arrive late and leave me waiting for as much as thirty minutes. The one morning I left the house a little later, she was suddenly on time, and complaining that I was going to make her late for work. At some point, she threatened to stop meeting at Wendy’s because I was not bringing Parker to Frontier in the afternoon even though I had not agreed to do so. It is ridiculous that Parker should have had to make the trip to Norway, wait thirty minutes until Paula's shift ended, then drive back to Cedar Rapids just so she could avoid picking him up at my mom’s home especially when she could not drive the last few miles in the morning when she clearly had the time to do so.

In February 2018, Paula texted to ask if I could bring Parker to Frontier. I told her he wanted to stay with my mom. She asked me to ask him if he wanted to hang out with Mommy at her desk. I told her he said no and she angrily replied that I needed to stop being his friend and start being his dad and not let him decide what he wants.  Of course, there was nothing unreasonable about his choice to stay with my mom that I should overrule his wishes. This was all about Paula getting her way no matter what anyone else wanted.  She followed with a threat to call DHS and allege parental alienation for whatever things she claims my mother and I were telling Parker. She also accused my mother and I of attempting to turn Parker into a girl. The evidence? I dropped him off at daycare wearing boys’ stretchy pants when he was two. We had a girl's bike parked in our yard that was only temporary and ultimately never used. He already had a new bike. My mom also gave her purple gloves when Paula picked him up because he had lost the gloves he had been using. Apparently, purple is a girl color. I agreed to bring him to Frontier that day to avoid her creating more drama. Parker was so upset that he was screaming threats at me during the drive until he wore himself out from crying and fell asleep. Afterwards, I decided I would no longer bring him to Frontier and I told her I would pick him up there in the morning. 

In March, I arrived at Frontier to pick Parker up from daycare. Paula was still there when I arrived, but we did not speak. Later, Paula called to let me know to expect a call from DHS. She had left Parker in the car when she got to work and he was found crying thirty minutes later by someone from the daycare staff. Paula told me she was stressed over the possibility of losing her job and she forgot he was in the backseat. I briefly spoke to a woman from DHS over the phone before I left for work. I told her I accepted Paula's story that it was an accident and I agreed to let the woman speak to my mom at our home. I believe DHS met with Paula at her home the following week. Ultimately, DHS decided not to take any actions against Paula. Paula left Frontier soon after this incident for unrelated reasons.  

In July, Paula texted to tell me that her plans with Parker fell through and she wanted to know if I could take him that week. She had originally picked the week to be her first of two summer vacation weeks with Parker. I wondered why she could not keep her week anyway, but I did not ask. That said, I thought she simply wanted to postpone her vacation week until later and treat that week as normal. As it turns out, she gave me a free week with Parker so that she and Ryan could participate in RAGBRAI, but she did not tell me that is what she was doing. Her plans with Parker did not fall through. Instead, she had an opportunity to do something she could not do if she kept her week with Parker. Again, she chose herself. Again, her phony concerns over smoking and a toxic environment disappeared when she wanted something for herself.

In August, Parker started talking about going to Bryce’s farm and spending the night at Bryce’s home. He also asked me if I was going to pick him up at the new house.  Eventually, it became obvious that Paula's relationship with Ryan was over even though she was still living in his home. Is Bryce the reason for their breakup? If not, how does Paula start dating Bryce and spending nights with him while still living in Ryan’s house less than a month after RAGBRAI? Also, how does she agree to rent a house with Bryce after knowing him less than two months if their relationship only began after she and Ryan ended? 

In September, Parker started PK. I was there waiting when Paula and Parker arrived at 8:45am. Class was scheduled to begin at 8:50. Parker was shown his locker and instructed to wash his hands before class. He was then directed to his square on the carpet where class would meet to start their day. He was upset and nervous and he wanted me to take him home. I tried to reassure him that he would be fine. I told him he was going to have fun learning new things and playing games, and I would be back to pick him up soon. Paula and I left at the same time around 9:00am, only 15 minutes after she arrived. There were many parents still there and the teacher had not asked for them to leave so that class could begin.

After we left, Paula messaged or phoned to tell me that she would be starting a new job the following week. Later, I emailed Paula to tell her that she would need to get Parker to school on her mornings unless she chose to drop him off with me. If she chose to drop him off with me, I asked for Wednesday nights with Parker on a permanent basis. With Parker starting school, my time with him during the day was cut in half and I would be driving much more each day if I was responsible for getting him to and from school. I was still on second shift, and depending on the night, I did not get home until midnight or 1:00am. If I am allowed an hour to wind down, I would not be asleep until 1:00am or 2:00am every night. I was not going to get up around 6:30am, drive to Paula’s home on the northeast side of Cedar Rapids, drive back home, wait an hour, drive back to the northeast side to take him to school, drive back home, wait three hours, drive back to school to pick Parker up, and do this Monday through Thursday every week. Three round trips to the northeast side plus my drive to and from work totaled over 100 miles every day. The cost of gasoline and that much driving on limited sleep made this impractical. Besides, the one benefit to Parker starting school is that I would be able to sleep in on her mornings after not having a normal night’s sleep for three years.

Paula tried to argue that nothing had changed. Of course, nothing had changed for her. I did nearly 100% of the extra driving. She was never inconvenienced, but she implied that is how I felt about Parker because I told her she would be responsible for getting him to school on her mornings. She demands primary care status and child support, but she wants none of the responsibility or inconvenience that comes with being a parent. She also complained that I had not been congenial (her favorite word) towards her the past three years because I refused to accommodate her trade requests. Most of her trade requests during that time were about giving Parker up on a day she had other plans rather than getting him on a day she wanted to have him for any reason. 

I had taken a picture of Parker on his first day of PK and posted it to Facebook. Paula’s grandma Helen had copied the picture and shared it on her Facebook page. The picture showed how nervous and scared he was that day. Paula commented on Helen’s post and accused me of coddling Parker for half an hour.  Again, we were there together for only fifteen minutes. She added that I was making Parker more and more upset. This is a ridiculous lie. It also makes no sense to suggest that I was coddling Parker if he was only upset because I would not leave. I would have preferred he be excited for school so I did not have to worry about him being upset. Parker wanted me to take him home and I was able to calm him down so that he was not upset when we left. Of course, it is no coincidence that she tried to smear me after I told her she was responsible for getting Parker to school on her mornings. So much for being congenial. What did she hope to accomplish by lying about me on her grandma's Facebook post? 

On Parker’s last day of PK, there was an open house during the last hour where parents could meet with the teachers, visit the classroom, and play on the playground with their children. Parker wanted to leave early, so we went inside to say goodbye to his teachers and to collect his belongings. The school had provided a single graduation gown for parents to take pictures of their kids. I took a picture and posted it on Facebook which Helen shared on her page. Paula commented to complain that she had not been informed about the graduation. She also texted me to complain that I had not told her about it. The open house was a small thing to mark the last day of school. There was no actual graduation ceremony and all information about the open house had been sent home with Parker when he went to her home. If she did not know about it, it is because she did not look in his bookbag.

At this time, I was dropping Parker off before work at Paula’s home on the southeast side of Cedar Rapids. Her relationship with Bryce was apparently over by this time. At some point, it became a common occurrence that I would have to wait for her to return home because she was spending her nights elsewhere. The summer was nearing an end and Paula was dragging her feet on enrolling Parker into school for kindergarten. We are supposed to discuss and agree on school matters, but I never held her to it because taking legal action over any disagreements was not a practical solution. She eventually informed me that Parker would be going to Johnson Steam. A week or two into the school year, she told me that she was moving to Fairfax and Parker would be going to Prairie. I posted the news about Prairie and a friend asked why he was transferring. I told this friend that his mother was moving to Fairfax.  Later that week, Paula texted to complain that I was talking about her private life on Facebook. Who would even care about her move to Fairfax that my mention of it would be an issue?

In spring, I emailed Paula a new schedule proposal. She had the opportunity to ask for changes that she wanted including accommodations regarding family gatherings. Among other things, I proposed we go to a 2-2-5-5 schedule. I wanted Wednesday-Thursday rather than Monday-Tuesday, but I told her if she preferred those days too that we could alternate years and I would let her pick odd or even. Paula rejected the 2-2-5-5 schedule claiming it would be unhealthy for Parker to be around my mother’s smoking for five straight days. By this time, Paula has forfeited over 80 days with Parker through six years and is constantly late picking him up. Again, she never seems concerned about the dangers of secondhand smoke when she has plans that do not involve Parker. Paula's rejection of the 2-2-5-5 schedule also proves she never actually cared about too much back and forth given that the proposed schedule would reduce the number of go-betweens compared to every schedule we have operated under since the temporary custody order.

Paula did not ask for any schedule changes she wanted. Instead, she used her response to criticize me for not working with her regarding Parker like Chris does with the girls. Again, she loves to cite Chris as an example of cooperation that I fail to emulate. This boils down to one issue. I do not agree to her trade requests. Again, she could have asked for things she wanted in response to my proposal, but she did not. She has denied me 50-50 everything and has taken my money, things she did not do to Chris, then complains that I do not work with her like he does while she also continually ignores opportunities to get what she wants.      

Soon afterwards, there was a Thursday where Paula never showed up to get Parker. No call, no text, no nothing. When she picked him up the following Monday, I asked her about the previous Thursday. She wondered out loud why she had not seen him for a while. Ultimately, she concluded that she was so busy with work that she forgot to pick him up. When she picked him up again the following Thursday, her story had changed. She had the previous Thursday and Friday off. She was going out of town on Friday morning and forgot to ask if I could keep him Thursday night. Her new story proved once again that her phony concerns over secondhand smoke did not matter when having Parker conflicted with her plans to do something for herself.

In December, Paula texted to ask if she could have the 19th in exchange for the 26th as her family planned their Christmas party that day. I ignored her. Later that month, her Aunt Theresa messaged me on Facebook to ask if Parker could come to the party. She said she understood that denying Paula’s request was a way to get back at her but added that it was unfair to punish Parker. She also claimed that the family had stayed out of it and just wanted Parker to come to the party. I did not respond. That said, I do not agree that Paula’s family has stayed out of it and they get no credit from me if they had. "No" is the only leverage I have where Paula is concerned. Paula has had plenty of opportunities to negotiate for deals that accommodate family holidays and she has wasted those opportunities in order to deny me the things I should have always had without question. Just denying me shared care and equal time is unforgivable and indefensible.    

We met with a mediator in Summer 2021. The meeting was held online while I was at the mediator’s office. Paula was with her lawyer at his office and my lawyer was at his office. The mediator asked if either of us had an opening statement. I deferred to Paula and she declined to say anything. I said I wanted shared care, no child support, the schedule changes I proposed previously, and my name added to Parker’s birth certificate as required by the original settlement. At this point, Paula’s lawyer asked to caucus separately. I cannot think of any reason why this would be necessary other than to say anything they wanted without me being able to challenge their claims. That said, it was decided I would leave the room when the mediator spoke to Paula and her lawyer. I believe the mediator spoke with both sides on three separate occasions. Paula never asked for anything, never made a counteroffer, and never offered any reasons for rejecting my requests. What did Paula and the mediator even talk about? Most absurd of all is that the only thing Paula apparently told the mediator is she is bothered by my lack of communication regarding Parker. Yet, she failed explain herself by providing any examples nor did she indicate what kind of communication she desired. The bottom line is that she avoided negotiating face to face so that anything she said would go unchallenged and it allowed her to avoid offering any explanation for denying my requests. Yet, she cites a lack of communication as a problem while failing to communicate on every issue including her own. How can I possibly agree to or reject her terms on communication if she does not communicate what they are? It is mind numbingly absurd.  She had no intention of negotiating on a good faith basis. If communication is so important to her, it should be easy to communicate why she continues to deny me everything I should have always had and what exactly she wants. She did neither and she is never made to answer for herself.   Once more, Paula and her attorney purposely chose to avoid negotiating directly. Paula never asked for anything despite always complaining that I never accommodate her trade requests. Paula never made a a counter proposal. Paula never offered reasons for rejecting my requests. At the very least, she could have repeated the same worthless excuses I have already shredded. She communicated nothing while complaining about my lack of communication. 

To summarize: Eight years ago, I was, in Paula's own words, the best boyfriend ever and she made it known on a near daily basis that she wanted an engagement ring. She goes to Wisconsin for three weeks of training and when she returns home, there is suddenly nothing good about me and she is hiding and lying about a relationship with another man. She spends nearly two weeks running me down over lies until she pushes me out of the house for a "break". Once I am out of the house, she asserts authority over Parker, asks for child support, indicates that she might move away to advance her military career, and repeatedly threatens me when I do not give up my agreed upon time with my son. I sued to protect myself and two judges over two years favored her without explanation and without hearing any evidence.

Paula has used our son to punish me for imaginary wrongs and benefit herself financially. I have paid her nearly $40,000 over nearly nine years even though Parker has been in my care the equivalent of 398 more days in real time. I did this woman no harm ever. Yet, she is allowed to deliberately cause me significant harm for what purpose? Because I sued for 50/50 everything to protect myself against someone who had cheated on me, emotionally and mentally abused me, assassinated my character, and repeatedly threatened me over my son and continued to do so even after she admitted fault for the end of the relationship? Nine years of constant stress, anxiety, and significant debt for wanting nothing more than equal stake in my son.